My sister-in-law is in the middle of a health crisis. The nature of her crisis has me thinking about my own. In 2014, I was given a spinal tap and it just changed everything. It caused a cerebral spinal fluid leak headache. Even though the doctors have tried to fix it, my head has never been the same and it has been almost ten years.
I want to believe that I have been able to weather the storm well. Most days I do, but other days, I don’t know. Yesterday, my husband and I were driving home from Dallas. We were both tired and stopped to eat lunch on the way. When we arrived at the restaurant, I tried to look at the menu on the wall of the restaurant and order, but I couldn’t read it well. I read it, but I just couldn’t comprehend what I was reading. I felt like the pressure around my head was crushing every thought I had, and I just couldn’t think clearly. Rainy weather followed us all the way from Dallas and the change in barometric pressure messed with my head. I’ve learned to live with it all these years, but I still struggle.
If I think about how my head hurts every day and how I feel every little barometric pressure change in my head, I’d probably get overwhelmed. I’d cry and feel like I couldn’t take it anymore because it would be too much for one person to take. Instead, I forget about it and let it go. I try to believe that even though my head’s messed up, I can get through it. I believe somehow that I am capable of being happy and feeling grateful for my life even with the way my head feels so sensitive.
I guess that’s the point. I’m not carrying this alone. God carries it for me. I know that anytime it feels too overwhelming that He will hold me up and guide me. I don’t fear dealing with this problem because I know that I can do it with God’s help. I know that I can be grateful for whatever life God gives me. It may not be what I expected, but it is a life, and any life is better than nothing. More importantly, no matter what happens in my life, I feel deep inside that He has a plan for me. I don’t know what it is and probably never will, but I know that my life matters to Him. It matters somehow and I should be grateful that I am alive. So I am.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
