Control

I talked with a woman today in a radiology waiting room.  She told me about her daughter and her granddaughter.  She explained that something happened between them, and her daughter cut off all ties and she hadn’t seen her granddaughter in about 4 or 5 years.  Then she said something amazing.  She said that she couldn’t control what other people do.  All she could do was hope that maybe one day her family might come back into her life. 

I don’t know if this woman was an abusive mother like my own or if she was a fabulous understanding mother.  However, I admired her for her ability to see that she could only be responsible for her own actions, and she had to leave the rest up to a higher power whatever that was.  It was a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who understood that message. 

At the same time today, I have been having the same accident over and over again.  Spilling stuff or dropping things and making a mess.  It could just be me being clumsy or it could be the universe trying to tell me something.  All this week, I have been thinking about dealing with the pressure in my head because of what my sister-in-law is going through.  When I had a spinal tap, it changed the whole way my head worked.  My head has never been the same since.  Sometimes it feels overwhelming, and I get so tired of it.  I just want to feel normal again, but I am never going to be able to go back to what it was like before I had that spinal tap.   And I guess that’s the point.  This little procedure that wasn’t supposed to change anything changed everything.  My life will never be the same.   

 My sister-in-law is going through the same thing.  One little test that shouldn’t have changed anything has now changed everything and her life will never be the same.  I just feel like I am seeing it happen all over again, but to someone else and in a much worse way.  I know it’s something I can’t control.  I know that when I went through mine, I couldn’t control it. Yet, I feel so weak and helpless.  There’s nothing left to do except pray and have faith.  Even know I know that, sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do. 

My faith saved me.  May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.