My husband has a sinus infection. When he doesn’t feel good, he doesn’t think well. He also likes to be left alone, which isn’t great because today is our 23rd wedding anniversary but I understand what it feels like to be sick. Early in our marriage when he got sick, I remember calling my mom just to talk. She never really helped. It wasn’t that I wanted to talk to her specifically. I just wanted to talk to someone. However, that’s the thing about how I am feeling today. Even now after thirty years of realizing that she was abusive and emotionally manipulative, there are times when I still feel like I want my mom.
I want to blame it all on Disco Duck. Shortly after my mom passed away, I heard the song Disco Duck on the radio and it reminded me of something that I had forgotten for all the abuse and pain, there were still good memories. The only problem for me is that with her I really have to dig deep to remember anything good. When it comes to my dad, the good memories just seem to pop up all the time. I feel like there’s a part of him that I carry with me and although I miss him, I feel okay. With her, it just feels like an empty space. On days like today, when I would have called her in the past, I think of her, and I just feel empty.
I want to consider how this all fits in with faith and God. I guess that it has to do with transcendence. People often think that love and hate are opposites, but I think I am a great example that love and indifference are opposites. If I hated my mom at least I would still feel something, but instead I am just fill with this horrible nothingness.
I have such a difficult time watching movies, TV, and especially the news because when I see violence or hear about it, I feel it deep inside. I can’t stand hearing about all the violence in our society and all the wars because for me it feels like the pain of an electric shock going through my body. And I really don’t know what I can do. I pray and when I see a little opportunity presenting itself, I try my best to take it. However, sometimes the weight of it all feels like it’s going to crush me. I just don’t understand it.
It’s like how I feel about the cold. I walk around all the time freezing cold and no one around me is cold. I just can’t understand why anyone else doesn’t feel cold. It’s the same thing with this. People watch all the events going on in the world and they seem to be able to handle it, but if I try to think about it for even a few minutes, I start to cry and feel such bad physical pain, I feel like there’s an elephant sitting on me. I wonder why all the other people around me don’t feel the same way.
I’m scared that people are indifferent to the suffering of the world. Maybe wherever God meets us, indifference fades away. Maybe we understand that we can’t ignore anyone else because it is like trying to ignore our own pain. I hope so.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
