Yesterday, I had a very difficult day. I wish that I could be like most other people. With others, when something happens, they let it go quickly or at least after some time. However, because I have OCD, I tend to obsess about things.
If something happens that I get angry or upset about, I tend to think about it and then I obsess over it. I get to the point where it sticks in my mind and stays there for weeks and even months. When an event gets stuck and replayed over and over again in your mind, it goes into your memory and stays there.
Five years ago, I needed to go get a mammogram, I arrived on time for my appointment, and I sat in the waiting room for almost forty-five minutes. I started to have a panic attack and I finally went to talk to the receptionist. They had accidentally misplaced my file and it didn’t get into the cue to be called. They promised me I would be the next one to be called. I almost walked out, but after spending so much time, I didn’t want to have to go through it again. So, I waited. I couldn’t sit still, and I freaked out pacing the waiting room, crying because I had a full-on panic attack. It hurt because no one understood how much it physically hurt to have all those panic attacks symptoms simply because someone carelessly misplaced a file.
Most people would forget it after a while, but for me, I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for months. Now every year, whenever I go to get a mammogram, I remember that time and although I have let go of the emotional response to it, I can remember so much about that day even five years later.
So, yesterday I had a bad day. I’m going to live through that day over and over again. I am already doing it. I am suffering from physical anxiety symptoms. I have a headache, my IBS has flared up, I’m tired, and nothing feels right. And I want nothing more than to let it go, but my OCD won’t let me. Every time I relax those thoughts jump into my head. And I would think most people would say I’m being silly and weak, I should just not think about it, but that’s just it, I am powerless and weak. I have this disorder that I cannot control. I have come to terms that although it doesn’t define me, it’s a part of me and I can’t change it or control it.
So what do I do? I do what I have learned to do. I stand before God and say that I am weak, I am powerless, and I am not in control. I surrender myself and my life to Him. I pray for Him to guide me and to lead me through this difficult time. Whenever I am weak, He is strong. If I fall, He will lift me up. I don’t know how, why, or when. I just know that if I let go and let God. It will be okay.
I can’t let go of those thoughts; I know. But I can let go of my life and hand it over to God. I can let go of everything that I possess and everything that I know and give it all to Him and then let His will be done.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
