I’ve been thinking about myself today. I’m not thinking about the good parts about myself, but instead about the faults. I’ve been thinking about the times when I felt anger, pain, and fear deep inside my heart: times when I felt just totally out of control. There have been times when I was a child that I just didn’t have love in my heart. I wouldn’t say I was evil, but I wasn’t acting in my true nature or in the way God had planned for me. When I was a young adult, I knew even better, and I still made bad choices. Even in recent years, there have been times when, I just lost myself. I melted down and fell apart.
Some people would give me a pass. They could look at my past and say I was abused. They could say that I have a mental disorder and say it’s understandable. However, it’s not. I’m a sinner. I’ve made mistakes and I own them because there really have been times in my life when I have made the wrong choice. And I know that as much I as pray, grow in faith, and try to be a better person, I am fated to continue to make wrong choices for the rest of my life.
However, for maybe the first time in my life, I can look back at all the times that I failed, all the times I went off the rails, all the times I just messed up for whatever reason, and I can feel like it’s okay. God doesn’t love me because I’m perfect. He doesn’t love me because I’m a good girl. He loves me because I am His child. There’s a part of Him living inside of me and that’s all that matters. I might be flawed, but inside of me is everything, the light of life, the light of the universe and the power to transcend all of it.
So, I’m going to just let it go. There’s no reason to judge myself to be bad or good anymore. I just am. God sees that. There’s no reason to judge anyone else anymore either. I won’t be perfect. I never will be, but I am continuing on this journey to see the light of God in others. If I can just see a glimpse of that light in my enemy, in the person who hurts me, then I will be able to love my brothers and sisters in Christ a little more today than I did yesterday. I’m willing to try because I believe in faith. I believe in miracles.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
