I am reading a book about writing. The current chapter is about having the discipline to get yourself to sit and actually write. For me, having discipline has never been a challenge. With OCD, if I set my mind to something, really set my mind to something and make it into a habit, then whatever it is becomes part of my OCD.
It’s a weird example, but I thought I was eating too many grapes. So, I decided to set an arbitrary limit to my daily grape eating of forty grapes a day. I eat grapes almost every day and have for the last ten years. I may not eat grapes one day, but I can guarantee that in the last ten years, I have never eaten more than forty grapes in one day. At first, it was just an arbitrary limit, but now it has become so much a part of me that if I don’t keep that rule, I would have that OCD sense of “wrongness” rise up if I broke the forty grapes a day rule. I can’t and won’t do it.
I guess most people don’t have a brain that works that way. I can literally pick almost anything and with very little time and effort get it to be an OCD compulsion. It’s how I have been able to track my food for the last ten years. It’s how I have been able to write posts for this blog every day for the last six and a half years.
The other side of the issue is that while discipline comes easy for me, freedom is a challenge. I stick to routine. I love for things to be the same all the time. The reason is when things are the same, I know what’s coming and that OCD sense of “wrongness” doesn’t rear its ugly head. When I have freedom to do anything, then I have choice, I don’t know what’s going to happen and the future is uncertain. It is exciting, but at the same time, my OCD sense of “wrongness” comes up because the territory is unfamiliar.
Faith really plays an important part in my life when it comes to freedom and discipline. On one hand, I believe that God has a plan for me and there’s a reason I have OCD and have this talent for discipline. I know that if I was made this way, then I should use my talent because many people struggle with discipline. At the same time, I also know that being able to have freedom is something amazing. It’s something that people have died for. I should be willing to put my life in God’s hands and take a leap of faith once in a while. I should be willing to experience freedom and try new things because it is part of life. It’s part of the gift He gave me. I know that even if I feel that sense of “wrongness”, I’ll be okay because I have faith. God will always be with me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
