A few years ago, I found myself wanting to leave a job because I really didn’t fit in. During the time it took to leave and afterwards, I had a very difficult time feeling really paranoid. All my feelings of being different, never fitting in anywhere, and feeling like an alien all weighed heavy on me and sent me into a depressive episode. I didn’t know how to get out of it and it took several months for me to get better.
Just recently, I found out that one of the groups I am in wasn’t what I thought it was. When I tried to get more involved, the other members of the group pushed me away and yet when other people wanted to get involved, they were welcomed with open arms. I could have reacted the same way, but I didn’t.
First and most importantly, in the last few years, I have learned that I would rather accept and love myself than fit in. Everyone else is playing at this game of shadows and all my life I just don’t want to play that game of shadows because I can see beyond it. All my life, my mother told me that I needed to fit in, have friends, be like her and all my life I tried to be and failed because I wasn’t like her. I just am not the type be play social games, I am unique and don’t need to be anyone else, but me.
Next, my husband pointed out that the group really didn’t turn out to be what I thought it was. If the group members had brought me in closer, I would be miserable because they would be taking up a lot of my time and asking me to do more than I had time to give them. So, not fitting in was actually a blessing in disguise.
It makes me want to think back on the rest of my life and think about times when things just didn’t work out the way that I thought they should. I realize that there are people who have lots and lots of friends. They are social butterflies, but those relationships aren’t the type of relationships they work for me. Every thing that has happened to lead me to this point is all part of God’s plan for me. I am exactly who I am meant to be and that’s all that matters.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
