I have been reading about spirituality and philosophy. The ironic part is that most of the time I read is in the bathroom when all these amazing thoughts about what life really means are going through my head, my body is dealing with one of the most basic functions a human being can have. I feel like it grounds me. Although the ideas about spirituality can have an amazing impact on my life and change it completely, at the same time, they cannot change the fact of my material being while I am still alive.
This idea is never so present to me than when I am suffering from migraine pain. There are a couple of fronts coming towards my state. They are having a big impact on my head. I feel like my head is in a vice. I feel cold all the time and the drop in my body temperature makes me feel really sleepy and have some brain fog. I can’t change the situation with my head; it’s just something I have learned to accept. Yet, it helps me to keep in the moment. It lets me know that my body is right here right now, not in some far off never world of spirituality. The pain I feel reminds me that my body, my mind, and my spirit are focused here for now and that’s what’s important. Even in pain, I should be thankful for this time, for this moment to be alive with this body and part of this life force. It is this gift from God, and it is more precious than I will ever be able to imagine.
I heard something yesterday about loss. Someone was recalling the loss of their mother on a TV show and said something like what if I can’t stop focusing on the what if and can’t remember the good times? It made me think of my own mother. The weekend before her funeral we were driving in our car and a song from my childhood came on the radio, it hadn’t come on the radio before and it hasn’t come on the radio since. It is almost like it came on just at the right time. The song reminded me of a time in my childhood that was good and I found myself crying because I missed that feeling of having that mom in my life. Yet, I don’t find myself thinking about the what ifs with my mom. I feel like there are no what ifs, she was what she was. I accept that. I can remember the good and the bad. And in the end, it all becomes the same mom for me, and I loved her and thank God for the mother I was given. I feel like everything God gives me has purpose even if I don’t know it. The only regret I have is for her. To have so much love and never know it just seems like such a waste.
I hope that I can understand and be thankful for all the blessing God bestows upon me even the ones that are challenging to understand.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
