I had to go to a meeting at work today. All my life when I needed to go somewhere I would always show up around ten to fifteen minutes early. Today, nothing seemed to have changed, but when I got to the meeting, I wasn’t early. I was there right on time. I wasn’t freaked out about the time having a panic attack about it either like I normally would if I showed up on time. The only thing that has changed that I can think of is that my mom has died.
The question on my mind is why would my mind dying change how early I show up for events and meetings? I just couldn’t understand it. Then, I started to really think about the why. All my life, she made me think that people were judging me in everything I did and every decision I made. She wanted me to believe that I couldn’t do or say anything without someone wanting to criticize anything and everything I did. The truth was no one really cared. She just wanted to keep me in a constant state of alert. I thought people were always trying to manipulate me and hand ulterior motives towards me. I thought people were constantly judging everything about me from my actions to my appearance. However, now that she is gone, it feels like all that pressure is gone. Yes, some people care about some things, but most people don’t really care too much about me at all. They could care less about me. I am free to be whoever I want to be, and I am free to do whatever I want to do. My boss and coworker didn’t really care what time I showed up for the meeting and even if they did, I didn’t worry about it.
I feel a newfound freedom because I have found a self-love and self-acceptance that I don’t think I could have ever felt as long as my mother continued to poison my mind with self-doubt. I know that I tried to escape her hold on me and I did a really good job of detachment, but her death has shown me that I had no idea how deep she had poisoned my mind.
I am finding myself be a different person all the time since she died. I’m not angry about it. Instead, I am just feeling more and more a gratitude for the love that God show me because He truly accepts me in a way that no parent of mine ever did. I feel gratitude for the love my husband shows me because he truly accepts me for who I am. Their love provides me with an example of how I need to accept myself and how from here I need to love and accept others.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
