Last night, I was talking to my husband and I described myself as a “stupid smart person”. My husband didn’t like myself calling myself stupid, but my point was that although I am intelligent there are some basic bits of knowledge that seem to go over my head.
At first, I thought it was the whole OCD feeling like an alien thing, but sometimes it is just simple things. My husband was great in describing it, he said that I over-complicate things. I want to know the how and why to everything and every step that when it comes to doing simple task, I make them so complex that even a PHD would need help. The ironic part is that if I have a task that I need to explain to someone I find it very easy to break it down into simple steps for them, which is why I thought I would be a good teacher.
The situation makes me think that life is full of paradoxes and that God expects me to accept the way I am within those paradoxes. In other words, although I might try to grow and become a better person for the rest of my life, I will never reach perfection. Even if I lived a thousand years and mastered all kinds of disciplines, I would still be a sinner and have faults. No matter how much knowledge I gain, there will always be something more to learn. Life is constantly changing and no matter how much I change, I am still the same person in God’s eyes and He will always love me no matter what I do.
I think it doesn’t have to make sense. It really doesn’t have to be logical. Faith doesn’t work that way. I am here to accept life the way it is and to accept myself and God’s will on God’s terms. I was listening to a movie today and it had to do with holy orders. One of the most difficult of the holy orders is obedience. The religious person gives up their free will and they do as their religious order tells them to do. It is a way of practicing how Jesus did not follow His free will, but always followed the will of God the Father. As I write this today, I realize that I also try to follow the will of God just not to such an extreme.
Yet I accept my life and embrace whatever comes, even the difficult and challenging parts. I accept and love myself even though I struggle to do so. There are parts of me that are difficult to accept and love (the stupid smart parts are quite a challenge). I do it because I have faith in God will. There’s times when I go against my own free will. I force myself to love when I would rather hate, I force myself to forgive, when I would rather be angry, and I force myself to be brave, when I would rather run. When I do these things, it’s because I have faith in God’s will for me over what I think is best for me.
It’s my own obedience towards God. I don’t know if it makes a difference to God at all. But every time I try to follow His will, I believe I am try to be more of my true self. I hope that I am becoming a better person. And when God looks down on me from Heaven, I think He see that I am trying.
My faith saved me. My God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
