I had an exchange with another writer today about what it is like to write about myself. I realize that in the last six years that I have been writing this blog, I have gained courage, confidence, and insight about myself. I started this blog with the intention of being able to use it to promote writing a memoir, but I soon realized that it really wouldn’t work for that. I kept going though because I found that instead of using this blog for writing a memoir, this blog became a daily prayer devotional. In a crazy world, I am finding time every single day to reflect on my day and how God is a part of it.
In some ways, my worst days have been the most pivotal days of my life so far. When I was younger, I found myself in a county mental health facility. I thought I would get help, but they really didn’t offer me any help. My parents rescued me from that place, but while I was there, I had a massive panic attack. I found that even when it felt like I was going to die, I didn’t. That horrible day, I found out that no matter how bad I felt God will never give me more than I can handle. I could have faith in that. From that day on, I never worried that I wouldn’t be able to get through a panic attack. And now, it feels like I have come full circle. A little over a week ago, I was in a hallway of an emergency room with my husband who was just in a car accident. I couldn’t stop it and I had a massive panic attack. This time I just let it happen. I didn’t fight the panic attack and try to stop it. I didn’t try to avoid what my body was going through because I knew that I was okay. At the lowest points of my life, I can still see that I am blessed by God, I can still feel thankful for this wonderful experience of life, and I know that God is with me and will not abandon me.
I feel like I found the narrative of my life: to go from avoiding the bad to living a full life full of gratitude.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
