Tonight, I am feeling the two emotions that lead to bad things: anger and fear. My brother and I have been trying to sell my parent’s house for the last few months. Every time we get an offer, something goes wrong. We finally got to a closing, and we just need to get the funds transferred and now the buyers want to back out. I’m starting to feel like I am never going to get rid of this stupid fucking house. I never wanted it in the first place. It only represents to me all the horrible times in my life, all the abuse, and all the lies. It is the final thing that I want out of my life so that I can finally just move on without my mother weighing me down. I really don’t care anymore how much we sell it for, I just want it gone.
Every time another buyer falls through, I feel so much anger and fear because I start to feel like her horrible hands are reaching out to me through the grave and they are never going to let go. I don’t want any of it anymore. The worst part is my brother can’t and won’t ever understand why. So here I am trying to find a way to turn to God, to find love when all I feel is anger and fear. And I really don’t have any patience or understanding left. I’m just so tired of dealing with all this for months and months. I just don’t want anymore. So, tonight, all I want is to ask for God, to help me find some way to be loving, patient, and understanding because I am none of those right now and I don’t know how to do it.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
