Memory is a strange thing. If I am correct and God is timeless, then I’m not really sure how memory fits in to everything. For God, every moment happens all at once, but for me, there’s a past, present, and future.
Yesterday, I had a very strange memory moment that I think only could happen to someone who is older. I was sitting at my desk getting ready to get back to work after taking a break. I suddenly remembered as if I had just happened that afternoon the sensation of being outside in a backyard where fresh linens were hung outside on a clothesline to dry in the air instead of using a clothes dryer. The part that got to me the most was being a small child walking in between the white sheets. A sensation of feeling surrounded by white on all sides. That feeling of the wind blowing against the sheet and then the sheet flowing against my body almost hugging me. The way it felt to push my little hand against that big wall of white and feel the tension of the fabric against my hand depending on how strong the wind was blowing.
I hadn’t thought of white sheets on a clothesline in years. Some people would say that it was just a chemical reaction inside of my brain. It very well could be, I can’t say it wasn’t. However, I want to believe that my memories and experiences are part of who I am. God might see all those moments at once, and although I can’t conceive all those moments at once, I am all those moments.
I think about people like my father, who suffered from Alzheimer’s disease before he died. I know that the disease changes the brain and messes up brain function and memory. I hated seeing what it did to my father and it really scares me to death that it could happen to me or someone I love. However, even then, that disease only affects the brain; it doesn’t change the soul. I believe that even if at the end of my life, my brain started to fail, my soul would still be the sum of all the moments in my life. As a human being, I cannot conceive of being timeless, but I know God sees me that way. So, maybe when a memory jumps out at me and I remember the beautiful feeling of playing with the wind and a sheet on a clothesline, it is just the universe reminding me that God sees me. He sees my past, my present, and my future and He loves me; all of me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
