When my elderly aunt came to live with my husband and I, I wanted to believe I could do it without changing too much in my life. Yesterday, I realized that wasn’t going to be possible. I have been trying to work at home with my aunt. My office was in the family room and every day my aunt is in the same room. She doesn’t realize that I am trying to work. Before I was able to concentrate because I was alone. I enjoyed being by myself and doing my work, but in the last month or so, everything has changed about that. I am no longer able to have the TV on the way I want or even have the quiet I want.
My understanding is that I can’t change anyone’s behavior, but my own. So, this weekend, I am moving my office into my bedroom. I will have a beautiful bay window to look out into the backyard. A TV that can play all the background noise I want, and I will have a door that I can shut so that I can be alone and concentrate on my work. I cannot change my aunt and I don’t know if I can get her to understand that my work is important to me and that I need to be able to focus on it during working hours, but I can change my behavior.
There’s a part of me that feels sad. I had the entire house as my life sanctuary away from the world. I really enjoyed being able to do exactly what I wanted whenever I wanted. Having that sanctuary gave me the feeling of wanting to push myself further out into the world, make more connections, and do more. However, I feel as my world at home is contracting, I am taking some steps backward myself. All the symptoms of stress, anxiety, and OCD inside of me are coming out because of these changes in my house and I just want to shrink into a little cave and make the world go away.
I know that isn’t what God wants of me, but at the same time, while I feel my brain being squeeze, I wish I could just have a little break. May God grant me the serenity to find my way on His path.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
