Today has been very difficult for me because I feel like there’s a vice on my head, and it is slowly being crushed. I don’t want to do anything and everything is annoying me. I know that in a sense the pressure hurts, but I don’t really feel aware of it. Instead, I am just very aware of being in a really bad mood.
Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m realizing that I want to be aware. It’s better than just losing my temper and not really knowing why. It doesn’t make how I am feeling any easier, but I feel like I am being more mindful. Stopping myself and asking why I am feeling upset. Am I asking with peace, love, kindness, and understanding in my heart or am I just acting out of pain?
I know that I don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay, but I think one of the first steps is at least thinking about it. It reminds me of something that happened this weekend. My husband and I were just about ready to go to bed. His TV program ended, and my video still had a few minutes to go. He told me he was going to go to bed. I got upset because I didn’t want to have to go through a dark bedroom and get ready to go to bed, especially when I was going to be in less than ten minutes. When my video ended, I did get ready for bed, and I acted upset as I did so. However, within five minutes, I started to ask myself if I was acting with patience, kindness, and understanding in my heart, which I wasn’t. So, I took a step back and I told my husband I was sorry. The funniest part is that my husband was so groggy that he didn’t know what was going on. I essentially had an argument with him, apologized, and got over it without him even knowing it!
My point is that the more mindful I am about my own actions and my own thoughts, the more I can be the type of person God wants me to be. The more I try to act out of God’s love the more I will be able to notice the opportunities when I can act out of His love. I don’t know exactly what’s changed, when it changed, but I look forward to know that I am stopping myself more and more to wonder if I am being that person that God sees when He looks down at me from Heaven.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
