Yesterday, my husband and I went to my parents’ house, and we finished moving the last of the furniture out of the house. Everything is gone from the house and all the rooms are empty. I haven’t lived there in twenty-three years. There’s a part of me that thinks it shouldn’t matter. However, it feels strange to see that house empty. Even with all the rooms empty, I can still look at the rooms and all these memories just pop into my head. We moved there when I was seven years old, and I remember so much from my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood being there. Now having those rooms empty means that it’s all gone.
I don’t really know how to feel about it. There were so many lies and falsehoods. With each passing day, I don’t feel like I am getting over losing my mother, I feel like I am finding myself. I feel like there was so much used to give me a false impression of myself and I’m learning with each day that I can let it go.
Last night, I saw my old bedroom totally empty. I turned off the lights and closed the door. I realized that I might never come into that room again. I felt like I was closing the door on all the lies about me and who I was that my family told me about myself. I didn’t need to let any of it weigh me down.
I am amazed every day because I never really understood how lost I was. Even with my faith, I didn’t really understand God’s grace and I didn’t understand anything about who I was. Being able to see that empty house makes a realize that I was always the person God created, I just needed to open my eyes and see the world with His love instead of the fear that my family had taught me to live with.
I thank God every day that I escaped that fear and found a way to His Grace and love.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
