Yesterday, I went through my parent’s house. It had been cleaned and most of the rooms were empty. For me, I felt like I was surrounded by ghosts of the past. I remembered the way the house looked in times long gone. I have come to really dislike the house but seeing it that way made me feel sad. I think the reason was it made my parents’ death seem so final. Everything about their home and who they were will be gone once all their stuff is gone and the house is sold. I guess I can always go to their grave site to remember them, but yesterday it just felt like a strong wind hitting my body telling me that they are gone. For just a few minutes, that strong wind felt like it was going to knock me over.
I don’t know if it would be easier if I just hated my parents because then I just wouldn’t care. Maybe it would be easier if they were great, and I really felt a loss now that they are gone. Instead, I feel like I am stuck in a weird purgatory about them. I mourned their loss several years ago, I practiced detachment with them as much as possible, and I knew that I couldn’t depend on them as family ever. When they died, I did cry or feel a great loss. Yet, there are moments, when I remember the past, being a kid and some of the good times despite all the lies and illusions. I can’t deny that there was some good, it wasn’t all messed up. When I remember that, I miss that family I had a long, long time ago.
I don’t like to admit it because I don’t want to confront it, but on the night that I made my promise to God, I said two things. I told God I would do anything to get better on two conditions the first has always been there that was that He would never abandon me. He never has. The second was that I wouldn’t lose my family. I was willing to lose everything else, but I didn’t want to lose them. I kept my promise even thought it seems like I lost my family. I don’t talk about it, because I don’t know how to explain it. However, tonight I do. I didn’t lose my family. How could I lose something that I never had? I had this illusion of a family. It was this picture that my parents had sold me of a perfect family, but it wasn’t real. I never had that family. Yet later, I found my husband and I found my real family in him. I know that no matter what happens, I will never lose my real family.
Sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we don’t understand, but He does answer prayers.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
