I spent the weekend trying to clean out my mother’s house. There’s something that I found that hurt me. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me because I should practice detachment. I also know it shouldn’t matter now because she’s dead, but it still hurts.
Here’s what happened. I came across lots of gifts and presents that I had given to her over the years. Things that I took the time to be thoughtful and instead of cherishing the gift given, she threw these things in a drawer, not even opened. She unwrapped the gift, looked at it, thanked me and put it back in the box. Then, after I left, she threw it in a drawer and never gave it a second thought.
If I ever forgot to give her a gift, wish her a happy birthday, or a happy Mother’s Day, I would never hear the end of it because to her it meant that I didn’t love her, but the truth of it was it was all about control. She didn’t believe I loved her at all. She didn’t care at all about the gifts. She just wanted to see if she could manipulate me into giving her gifts.
The part that hurts isn’t the wasted money or time but knowing that even when I tried to show her that I loved her the way she asked me to show her she still couldn’t believe it. The show of love was meaningless to her. I just can’t fathom what a sad life she must have had when nothing could convince her that someone else really loved her.
That’s why God’s grace means so much to me. I really didn’t understand it for years. However, when I finally did understand, I felt like a puzzle piece just fit into place. I realized that God created me perfectly and He doesn’t make mistakes. I don’t have to think I am an amazing lovable person. All I have to do is believe that God is all powerful, all knowing, and He doesn’t make mistakes. If I can do that, then I have to believe that I am loved. I am here for a reason. I won’t and can’t disrespect myself or my life the way my mother did because I have faith in God’s grace for me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
