Today I met my coworker for lunch. I had met her for lunch a few years ago. For me, there was a huge difference. My mom passed away. I know that if anyone else had observed me, they probably wouldn’t have noticed any real difference in me. Yet for me, I felt a big difference.
A few years ago, I showed up too early. I was incredibly nervous about meeting her. I was afraid of going into the restaurant and ordering food. I was scared to eat in front of her. I worried about what we would talk about. The entire time, I constantly felt paranoia about the entire experience thinking that I shouldn’t even be there because somehow someway someone was going to try to hurt me or take advantage of me.
Today, I got in my car, and I felt a little concerned about getting there on time, but I got there on time. I didn’t wait in my car trying to get the courage to walk inside. I just walked inside and found my coworker. I didn’t think twice about ordering my food or worrying about what anyone would think. I didn’t worry about my coworker looking down on me for how I ate my food. I just relaxed and ate my food. I talked to her about whatever came to my mind, and I enjoyed talking to her. I didn’t worry about her having some ulterior motive. I still felt some anxiety about a few things. I can’t help feeling anxious because I have OCD, but I didn’t spend the entire time feeling paranoid. I literally felt like it was a completely different experience.
My mother passing away wasn’t something good. I know that I miss her, but at the same time, there’s a part of me that does feel relieved. I feel like this huge weight that has loomed over me is gone. All these ideas that she put in my mind about worrying about people judging me, making fun of me, trying to hurt me, or trying to take advantage of me are all slowly going away now that she is gone.
I understand that she didn’t want me to be hurt, but I have to believe that part of life is experiencing a little pain and learning from it. Maybe part of life is sometimes experiencing a lot of pain. I appreciate now more than ever how much God loves me that He allows me to experience everything that life has to offer even if it means sometimes, I will be hurt.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
