Today I had another headache. I must have a cluster migraine. I thought about calling a doctor, but I can’t think of anything the doctor could do that would really change my situation. I’m willing to take my medications and take care of myself, but I don’t think the doctors really believe me or take me seriously. It would be great if they did, but even if they did, what good would that do? My head would still act like a weather barometer, I would still be getting cluster migraine headaches, and my head would still be just extra sensitive to everything.
I have to remind myself that it isn’t my fault or the doctor’s fault. This isn’t a blame game. My head is just extra sensitive after all I have been through. After all, I have hit it really hard multiple times and my mother didn’t really care about it. I have PTSD and the headaches are also part of that, too. I realize that I am blessed because as painful as the headaches are the symptoms could be so much worse. I have experienced symptoms that were so much worse that I didn’t know how I was going to live with them. I just need to remember that time in my life and I realize that a cluster migraine isn’t the end of the world.
The part that is challenging is being in pain makes the body tired. I try to push myself, but when I am in pain, I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t even want to write these posts because everything feels like a struggle. Moving feels like it takes so much will power and it is all because I am just so tired. During those times, I like the reflection of resting in God’s arms. I know that no matter how tired I get, He will carry me if I can’t stand it anymore.
There are times that the pain is so bad, I just have to get an ice pack put it on my head, close my eyes, and pray for the next moment to come. I know that it would be better to not have the pain, but I’m so grateful for the suffering. It’s who I am, it’s part of my life, it’s in God’s plan, and it is only through pain that I know what it means to be pain-free. I am thankful that God doesn’t abandon me and I know that even through the worst headache, I will endure.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
