When I was a little girl, I would worry about epistemological issues. I know that it is very strange for a young child to do that, but I was a weird kid. I wondered where exactly our universe was and if it wasn’t anywhere, did I really exist or not? Sometimes thinking about those type of things really scared me, and I didn’t want to consider them too long because I didn’t have any answers. More importantly, I didn’t know how to articulate my ideas to be able to communicate what I was thinking with anyone. No one my age would understand, and most adults wouldn’t understand that I could get that concept in my head anyway. I tried a few times, but it just didn’t work.
The idea that somehow existence is just some illusion or dream within a dream is a very scary idea for me. Yet, it’s possible. There’s no way to prove that it isn’t. The only way I have found to comfort myself is that even if life is an illusion, I should still live the same way anyway. Because no matter what existence is there is some creator and I have some connection to that creator. My faith gives me that. Even if everything else falls apart that connection is real, and it is true. Somehow it makes this life meaningful. I don’t know how, but I have faith it does.
There’s another idea that scares me. I’m not sure everyone considers deep philosophical questions the way I do. I think some people don’t question their existence. They are perfectly happy to live their life without worrying about their soul and what it means to really be alive. I don’t know how many people question existence and how many don’t, but it scares me to think of being in a body where the mystical and unseen parts of existence aren’t experienced. I can’t imagine living that way.
Sometimes I feel like a spirit trapped inside of a body longing one day to be released back into the universe. It frightens the hell out of me to imagine feeling like an empty shell just walking out with a body. I can’t believe that actually happens. There has to be something more than that. Maybe there really is reincarnation and every time we come back we are more and more connected to the our spiritual selves until we reach self-actualization. I’m just not sure. I guess I want to believe that wherever each of us is on our journey, we still have the same potential for love and faith and to see God. I hope we do.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
