I went to a conference a couple of weeks ago. I passed a major hurdle. I went to a pitch session and met with a publisher. She even asked me to send her a few chapters of my book. It felt great for a few minutes. Then, I came home and sent the chapters. I haven’t heard back. I have learned about the publishing business and know that there’s a possibility I won’t hear back, or I may not hear back for a few months. I know that I need to be patient. However, in the meantime, all the self-doubt starts to creep in.
My husband and I were talking about my relationship with my mother. I realized that I have the strangest OCD thing about self-doubt. My mother would tell me that she thought I was smart and capable. She told me that I could do anything that I set my mind to do. But then, she acted like I was a complete idiot. She constantly told me that I didn’t know how to act with people, and they were going to take advantage of me because I was too naïve. She acted like I was a horrible driver, a bad student, and couldn’t take care of myself on my own. Everything she told me was negated by her constantly acting like I wasn’t capable of anything.
Even now, as I try to be a good wife, a good worker, and a writer, there’s a part of me that wonders if I can. If my mother was supposed to know me so well and she didn’t believe in me at all, then what does it say about me? Could everyone else just be trying to be polite and nice? That’s always been my greatest fear. That I am a total ass, and no one has the guts to tell me so.
Yet, my husband loves me and believes in me. God doesn’t make mistakes. So, I take all these thoughts of self-doubt that creep in and I tell myself that it is just the OCD. I tell myself it is okay to believe that you are a good person, a good wife, and a good writer. The world isn’t going to come crashing down around you, if you believe these things about yourself. And even if it does, God will be right there to light the way and guide you out of the darkness.
Tonight, I am struggling to rise to the challenge to believe and see myself the way God sees me and the way my husband sees me. I want to know that I am okay, even if mom didn’t think so.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
