Last night my husband and I went for a drive. We started to talk about many things. One of the last things we started to talk about was our dog, Nellie. She passed away a little over two years ago. I told him that I have had dogs all my life, and this time was really hard. Sometimes, it feels like Nellie just passed away yesterday, even though it has been two years.
I feel a little guilty saying that because I am finding more pain and loss in losing my dog than I am in losing my own mother who just passed away two months ago. The difference is that I didn’t really lose my mom two months ago. No one understands that.
When I was twenty years old, I needed my mom and I expected her to be there for me, but she wasn’t. She wasn’t the person I thought she was at all and neither was my father or my brother. In the space of a day, the family I thought I had was gone. If I ever wanted to die, it was on that day. I’m happy I didn’t, but I was more lost on that day than any other day of my life. I never felt more alone and from that day on knew that I really didn’t have a family.
I think back to those days, and I feel so embarrassed because I was constantly crying and losing it, but without realizing it, I was grieving my family. When my mom died, I didn’t feel like I lost her more. I had already lost her. My heart has been feeling that wound for almost thirty years. And I wish I could say that it doesn’t hurt anymore, but it does. Every time I see anything that shows families supporting each other, I feel it. I miss the illusion I thought I had for so long. I’ve just gotten used to the pain.
I just couldn’t understand why with Nellie, I still feel so much pain. And then, last night my husband said it was because she was the first pet we had together, and we poured all of our love into her. I guess that makes some sense. She became a very special part of us and our story. While she brought us such wonderful memories and happiness, now that she is gone, we both feel that pain. It isn’t going to go away for a long time because she stays with us in our hearts.
And I guess that’s the way it is supposed to be. A little bittersweet. A place where pain and happiness both exist at the same time. I know when it comes to my mom that’s where she exists in my heart. She wasn’t capable of understanding that anyone could love her, but she tried her best and all I can do is accept her for what she was and pray for her soul. So, today, I pray that the love I carry in my heart continue on and make a difference. I pray somehow Nellie is with me still as well as the best part of my mom.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
