If my husband had an accident and he needed me to take care of him, I wouldn’t think twice, I would just do it. If he was in the hospital, I wouldn’t have a second thought, I would go straight to him. There was a day when I was coming home from class with my husband, I felt so sick and as soon as we got home, I got a call that my dad was in the hospital. I took a deep breath and I turned right around and went straight to him. All the strain and abuse and hurt made a difference, but I wanted to be there and so I went.
My mom has recently been in the hospital and she just got discharged. I really feel for her predicament, but I don’t have any feeling for her. I didn’t want to go to her. In fact, the idea of being around her during her time of need fills me with anxiety. I start to feel like I can’t breathe and my heart starts to race. My hands start to shake and I know that I want to be any other place than near her. I don’t want to admit it, but it’s the truth.
I think the reason is that she doesn’t treat me like I am a real person. She never has and never will. She treats me like a doll or like a puppet that she holds in her hand. Something that she can manipulate and pull the strings. Now that she is starting to have dementia, it is even worse than before because that part of her that just wants to grab me and swallow me up as part of herself is the only part that is showing. It’s the part that I can’t take. I don’t want to be a puppet on her hand even if she is losing her mind and even if she is dying. I deserve better. Even though I thought I wanted to be there, I am coming to realize that if I truly love myself as I person, I can’t do this for her, and I shouldn’t have to. I hope it is the loving thing to do. I hope it is the right thing to do in my heart.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
