I am living my OCD nightmare. I came home understanding that I don’t want to let people manipulate me the way my mother did. I realized today that I can set boundaries for myself. I did it today at work. Even if I get fired from my job, it won’t be the end of the world and more importantly, I will be showing that I value myself enough to set boundaries. I had a great time at my writing conference, and I want to believe that I can be a professional writer. I won’t make millions of dollars as a best-selling author, but I can get my work published. I can share my message with the world. All things are possible with God.
It’s my OCD nightmare because when I felt like this in the past, that’s when everything fell apart. OCD tells me when I have hope, life will bring me to my knees and knock the wind out of my lungs. Life will make me question if I can even get through the next second much less have hopes about a professional writing career.
Maybe that will happen. Yesterday, as my husband and I were flying home, a man kept hitting me with his legs on the plane. Every part of me felt horrible, like he had to be the most evil, uncaring, human being on the face of the earth. However, the truth was he was just a really tall person who had no idea that I have anxiety and OCD. I had a massive anxiety attack on the plane and had to take extra anti-anxiety meds and ask the flight attendant for a bad to help me breath. I didn’t know how I was going to get through that flight, but I did. I cried like a crazy person and I looked nuts, but between God and my husband I knew I would be okay. The weirdest part is I kept trying to remind myself that the people sitting behind me were God’s children and had the light of God within them. I tried so hard, but it didn’t help me. I wish I could be a better person with less anxiety in my heart so that I could look at that person and feel peace, love, and understanding. For now, I hope that my wanting to feel that way and my trying to feel that way means that maybe one day I will be able to do it.
The point is life did bring me to my knees. A massive anxiety attack happened. I got lost in my own darkness and yet I got through it with God’s and my husband’s help. So, if my OCD nightmare happens, then there’s nothing I can do about it. Life is going to happen. All I can do is keep trying, praying, and living as best I can. There are so many things that I am trying to believe about myself, about life, and about the world. I continue to open my heart as much as I can to all the love there is in the world. Yet, I have faith that is unshakable that not only is there a God, but also God will always lead me out of the darkness, and He will never ever abandon me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
