First day of my horror writers conference and although I didn’t know what to expect, I hoped that I would feel different around other people. I hoped I wouldn’t feel as shy and fearful, but I was. And I would be feeling defeated, but there’s too many reasons why I shouldn’t.
First, my husband and I had an argument today and I handled it well. He said something in a very manipulative way exactly the way my mother used to do. I took some time, calmed down, and I explained to him how his statement was manipulative and that I wasn’t going to put up with manipulative behavior like that. I was assertive and I didn’t let him get away with it.
Next, I saw a picture of my Nellie and me because of the computer. It was bringing back memories of two years ago, but what the computer doesn’t understand is two years old my husband and I had to let Nellie pass away. Her death still hurts. Seeing the picture was an unexpected arrow through the heart. However, I feel okay crying about the hurt. My family before I got married would have given me a hard time, but these days feeling anything is okay. I’ve made progress.
So, it was crazy to expect that I would come to this conference and feel like a completely different person. My mom doesn’t die and then I become someone else. It just doesn’t work that way. The truth is of course I am going to be nervous. I suffer from social anxiety and OCD. I am shy and always have been. No amount of death, experience, or whatever is going to change that. And I really shouldn’t want it to change.
The one thing that people have told me I do really good in my writing is dialogue. I think I write dialogue so well because I listen more than I speak. I watch people and how they talk. Why do I want to change the thing that is the one thing that I have going for me as a writer?
More importantly, why would I want to change who I am? My mom hated the person I became because I wasn’t anything like her. She was great at presenting an appearance to other people and acting great. I’m not because I am not all about appearances like she was. I am more than that.
So, I guess what I really need to do is remember what God has taught me. While I am here, don’t try so hard to get anything done. Instead, just float through it and try to have fun. Remember that I have the light of God within myself, and I need to love myself. Then I need to see that same light in the people I meet and love them as I would myself.
As I have written so many times, if I have lots of expectations, then I attract lots of disappointments, but if I see the world full of possibilities and potential, then miracles will abound. And so I pray for God to fill my heart with peace and the ability to see all the possibility.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
