I realized today that it has been two months since my mother passed away. It’s strange. I have thoughts about wanting to call her up and tell her things about my life, but that’s not something recent. I had thoughts about that long before she passed away. I gave up trying to tell her anything. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she would twist my words and turn them into accusations against her or she would gaslight me with my own words. There was no reason to tell her anything about my life when she just wanted to use what I would tell her to attack me.
I miss being able to talk to a mother. I just don’t miss being able to talk to my mother. I would love to have someone who understands that feeling. I was talking to an acquaintance today who lost her mother about the same time as I did. She just wants people to understand how much she misses her mom and how much it still hurts. I can empathize with that. I feel what she feels sometimes. And maybe it would be great if someone understood what I feel, but I don’t think it is going to happen. After all, who could understand? I loved my mother and she wasn’t capable of seeing me as an individual. She wasn’t capable of understanding my love for her. I spent most of my adult life trying to find some way to break away from her controlling mind games and when I finally did, I spent the rest of her life trying to be a loving daughter while at the same time protecting myself from emotional and mental abuse. When she died, I lost someone that I loved, but I also lost my abuser.
The last couple of months have been difficult. I keep finding myself in situations where I would normally feel scared and worried, but I’m not. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever felt in my whole life, and I feel guilty for it.
My acquaintance wanted people to understand how she felt after losing her mother. I don’t really care if anyone understands. I feel all messed up inside because everything I feel is new and strange. I keep wondering if this was how I was supposed to feel all along. I feel like I am lost not in darkness, but in some kind of forest. I can’t see the big picture and I just hope that God can help guide me through this next part. I know there’s light out there; I see it coming down through the shadows. I just need to find my way to the sun and the light.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
