I spoke to my cousin yesterday because I wanted to be able to get together with her and give her some old pictures. The strange part about it wasn’t talking to her, but the thoughts going through my mind the entire time. I kept thinking to myself that I shouldn’t be talking to her. I kept thinking that I was going to be getting myself into trouble for even talking to her or reaching out to her. I wondered to myself about it.
Why did my mother program me to be so wary of my cousins? Am I really so stupid that I don’t see something that I should be seeing? Are they so messed up from generational abuse that they are just as dangerous as some of the monsters that existed in my family? I really don’t know, but how can I hold the sins of their parents and grandparents against them. It’s been years. I don’t know these people anymore; how can I judge them at all?
I remember them from my childhood and so I think I should give them a chance to know me if they want. Not because they deserve it, but because God tells me to love all my brothers and sisters in Christ. I don’t know what will happen, but instead of listening to years and years of programming giving me vague warnings, why not just see what happens?
I don’t have to admit, I’m scared. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know if my thoughts are the paranoid thoughts I was brought up with or if they are just my being cautious. That’s a very difficult place to be.
There was another horrible mass shooting in Texas this weekend. I don’t want to let myself be scared by those things and just stay locked away because of them. Yet sometimes it feels like the world is getting scarier get day. When I leave my house and feel that anxiety, it gets so hard to tell if it is my OCD and paranoia or if I am just feeling a healthy dose of reality.
So, I guess today, I want to pray for God to help me to know the difference. Please God help me to know what things I can control and what things I can’t. When I should be afraid and when I should be brave. Please grant me wisdom as I try to navigate the world around me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
