I remember when my mother was still alive that I had hoped that when she died, I would feel free from all the rules and worries that she had given me, but I learned that I didn’t need her to die for me to feel free. Now that she has died, I am also learning the opposite is true. Just because she is dead, doesn’t mean I am completely free from all the worries. I still feel the paranoia and worry that I did before. It doesn’t just end with her.
I guess that it a good thing. The whole situation shows me I am a complete, separate person from her. I can feel and be without her. Yet somehow saying that even today feels like a betrayal and sounds like I am an ungrateful daughter, even though I know I am not. I need to know now more than I ever did before that I can be free of all the worries that I felt before. I want to know that I don’t need to be afraid.
The most ironic thing is that I just have to see it like a Buddhist would. I need to realize that even if someone took everything away from me, I would be okay because I would still have the love in my heart, the peace of God, and my faith. Those are truly my keys to happiness. I need to remember that every day and be grateful for that.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
