Today, I felt defeated. I felt like the world came crashing down on me. I have had a bad migraine starting Thursday morning and it is one of the worse ones I have had in years. Then my mom is sick and had to be taken to the hospital. I am concerned and worried, but more than anything I feel so sad because I don’t care. She would rather die than accept my help and I have just let go. Then, at work the line between work and life balance got smashed today and I am very upset about it.
With all this happening, I felt a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. The pain in my head got to where I couldn’t stand it and I started to cry. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. I got this bad pain in my chest like someone was boring a hole right through me. It all felt like it was too much. It totally overwhelmed me. To be honest, I still can’t breath, my head still hurts, my chest still hurts, and I still feel overwhelmed.
In my mind’s eye, I see myself crushed underneath a boulder of all these things causing me anxiety and pain. The thing is no matter how much faith I have and no matter how much I believe in God, I will have bad days like today. In fact, days like today happen because God loves me so much He allows me to feel pain and have bad days even though it hurts Him and even though He could make it go away in an instant, but then he would have to take away free will.
There was a point today, where I was lying in bed, crying, in pain, feeling defeating, and not having a clue how I was going to get through any of it. I closed my eyes and thought about not trying to get through today or even the next hour or minute. Just breath and try to get through this second and on to the next. Here, I am several hours later, I don’t know how I am going to get to see tomorrow, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is right here, right now. This moment and knowing God is here.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
