I am trying something new. I don’t know if it will work, but I want to try. Instead of surrounding myself with what happens to be there or what is utilitarian or what I think is responsible, I want to surround myself with what brings me joy.
I started this journey by going through my closet. I looked at each piece of clothing. If the clothing made me feel good when I wore it and if it fit me well, then I kept it. However, if I just had the clothes for any other reason, I was going to donate them. My best example was this sweatshirt. My husband had given me this big gray sweatshirt that was two sizes too big for me. I liked to wear it about once a week because it was warm, but I have to admit every time I put it on, I felt like I was staying home sick. I would never wear that outside of the house. I looked terrible in it. The only reason why I wore it was because it was warm. The sweatshirt never made me feel good about myself, so I decided to get rid of it and donate it.
Since my mother passed away, I feel like I am experiencing a greater awareness of my sense of self than I have ever had before. I knew myself before she died, but now I feel a sense of acceptance about myself. I guess that the easiest way to put it is before if I tried to dance, I would worry about making a fool out of myself and now I know that if I dance, I’ll be okay because there’s no one standing around judging everything I do.
I don’t think God is sitting up in Heaven with a checklist watching me and marking down every time, I make a mistake. He knows I’m not perfect and my imperfection is enough for Him. He loves me as I am. He sees me as a beautiful child and even if I fail and make mistakes, He still created me perfectly. That feels wonderful to know because I won’t ever feel the way I did with my mother that way I feel with God. I was never enough for my mom. No matter what I did, it was never enough for her. With God, I am always enough. No matter what I do, I will always be enough for Him because He accepts me as I am.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
