My husband revealed to me that he’s been thinking a lot about getting prepared for the future and the next phase in our lives. I understand that. As we are getting older, there are some changes that are going to be taking place and I think we need to be prepared for that. However, at the same time, my mother just died and I am finding myself thinking about the past. I don’t think it is necessarily bad to think about the past or the future, but I think there’s something bad about dwelling on them. God wants us to be in the present and to have our minds right here in the moment so that we can be thankful for the moment that we are in.
My thoughts about the past aren’t really about dwelling in the past though. I’m trying to remember good feelings. When I think about the past especially when my mother is concern, I just remember all the things that cause me to have PTSD and anxiety now. I want to believe that my past has more than that. I told my husband today that I have little snippets of memories that are just feelings, mainly of fall. Times when it was just getting cold. The way leaves felt and smelled when they were on the ground. Jumping into a pile of leaves before bundling them up into a trash bag. Memories where I did feel totally anxious and afraid all the time.
If I had that in my past despite my mother, then it’s possible for me to recover from all the trauma I’ve been through. I have hope. Today, my husband went to an old gym where we used to workout before the pandemic. We were going to start up again. As we drove up, I feel anxious. My chest hurt, my heart raced, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remembered I felt like that whenever we went to the gym. I knew that I felt like I didn’t belong whenever I walked in there and nothing helped. I couldn’t imagine going alone. Today, knowing what I know I just told myself that it was the brainwashing. I didn’t have anything to fear and that I could feel safe. I never felt so relaxed as I did today. I even thought I might try going to workout without my husband. It will be a challenge, but I think it might be possible. After all, all things are possible with God, aren’t they?
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
