I was thinking about the past. When I was in my twenties, I remember people telling me that young people are so stupid and naïve; they just don’t understand. I didn’t believe it. Now looking back, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to understand or that I was naïve; I had been brainwashed. My parents programmed me to believe that I was not a full person. They taught me to doubt myself and my judgement. Most disturbing, they wanted me to believe that every person I met had ulterior motives. When I look back and think about how out of control, anxious and paranoid, I was, I can’t believe that I got through my twenties.
I talked to my husband about it and said that more than anything I wished that I could go back and apologize to people because I didn’t realize. It was crazy, I actually had access to psychiatrists and therapists, but I didn’t understand what I was going through so I didn’t even know how to ask for help. It was like putting a sick person inside a pharmacy with a pharmacist and every medication that could help, but the sick person just didn’t know how to fill the prescription.
Then, my husband said something amazing. He told me that he did some really stupid things in his twenties, too, but that he wouldn’t change anything because those mistakes led him to where he was today. He forgave himself and he was certain that the people in his past did too because we all were young and made mistakes.
I really think he is right. Forgiveness starts with me. If I can accept myself and all the stupid mistakes I make, then I can look at my brother and sisters in Christ and understand that we all struggle in life sometimes. We all get lost and give into fear and anger. We all aren’t perfect all the time. We all have our low points. I need to find a way to love myself and forgive myself because that’s how God treats me. That’s what love is. And if I can love myself that way and forgive myself that way, then surely I can do the same for my brothers and sisters in Christ.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
