I forgot about the idea of being a prisoner. My parents kept me as a prisoner and yet if anyone saw it, they would say I could leave anytime I wanted. They wouldn’t be able to understand how emotional and mental abuse works. All my life they filled me with self-doubt. They asked me to call them whenever I left the house. They knew where I was 24 hours a day. The first time I ever left the house by myself was when I was 18 years old. I literally had never been anywhere by myself. I had never even been to a grocery store by myself.
I even remember the first time I went anywhere. I drove to an ATM for my mother. It was just a few miles from our house. It was strange and scary because it was such a new and unknown sensation. She never prepared me for going out into the world on my own because she never wanted me to be able to do it.
Even after I left home, I felt like I was programmed to call in my location constantly. Someone has to know where I am or something bad will happen to me. I can’t even go to the grocery store without letting my husband know where I am going.
Now both my parents are gone. I’m finally free and instead of feeling relief. I feel like I did that day when I went to the ATM for the first time. It feels unfamiliar, strange, and scary. I don’t know how to feel.
I looked up prisoner on the Internet. Plato’s cave came up. I remembered that when the person in the cave is freed and comes out into the light, the sun is so bright, it hurts the eyes. It takes some time to get used to the brightness and adjust the eyes. It takes time to learn what everything is because he’s been seeing shadows for so long. I guess I have to give myself time to adjust to this new light and new world without my parents.
I also saw that God would free the slaves and other people in various parts of the Bible. Being freed isn’t so joyous and wonderful, it’s scary and confusing. Yet I realize with all my struggles, I need to face it with an open heart. If I fight this change or run away from it, then I will just go back to seeing shadows and reflections of life, but if I have faith and feel this pain, then maybe I will see that life is even more beautiful than I ever realized.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
