I realized something today. For the last thirty-one years, I’ve been learning to take care of myself and protecting myself from my family. I learned that I couldn’t depend on them, but I also learned that they lied to me, gaslighted me, manipulated me and tried to control me. It took years for me to break away from all of that and even when I did, I couldn’t turn my back on my family. God says to forgive, and to love. The commandments say to honor your parents. They don’t say to honor them except under certain circumstances. They say to just honor them. I stayed in contact with my abusive parents until the day each of them died.
My mother died about sixteen days ago. I’ve been trying so hard to love and forgive that I forgot that for thirty-one years I have had to protect myself from her. I had to hear the most awful things a mother could say and try my best to deal with it. I had to literally walk out of the room when she just wouldn’t stop digging at me trying to make me feel bad. Now it’s over. She can’t tell me hurtful things anymore. She can’t try to make me feel bad anymore. All my life, I have had to be careful so that I could try to avoid her wrath or the pain she was trying to inflict on me. I don’t need to worry about it anymore.
I want to be happy because I’m free, but it’s more complicated than that. I’ve had this oppressive weight over me all my life and it’s gone now. It feels like a missing piece in my chest. It doesn’t hurt because it isn’t exactly a loss. Instead, I just feel scared and lost because my life is changing. I feel like crying because there’s still so much pain inside. I still suffer from PTSD every day and probably always will, but I am also getting better each day.
Sometimes, I don’t want to reflect on my journey. I don’t want to face this pain and what it means to my life that I have lost my mother. Yet, I made a promise that I would do anything and everything to get better as long as God would be at my side. For the last thirty-one years, I believe God has stood by me and I know He is going to stand by my side for the rest of my life. I will face all kinds of difficult and painful times, but I will do it because faith tells me God will help me to be strong.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
