I want to believe that my mother loved me somehow. I want to believe that if I find forgiveness in my heart that I can be a better person. When my father died, I found a way to let go of all the pain and hurt, and I let the love remain. When I remember him, I really do have mostly good memories. Sock monkeys, maple crème cookies, and old cars all make me nostalgic for my dad. I wonder if that can happen with my mom.
I write that God makes miracles possible. In the last few weeks, I have been hoping for a miracle. I feel like there’s some kind of hole in my chest where the love for my mom should be and where the loss of my mom should be. It feels empty. It doesn’t feel like a loss and pain. Instead, it just feels like something is missing. And maybe that’s why I have OCD. I’ve always known something was missing and I’ve been trying my entire life to fix the problem.
The sad truth is though I’m not missing anything, it was my mom. She couldn’t see me. Now, I know she’ll never see me. I need to find a way to live with that. My life isn’t about what everyone else sees. I’m not a reflection in other’s eyes. I’m more than that.
Maybe that’s what was missing in my mom. She never really understood what made her beautiful. She never knew that she was more than what other people saw. And it’s really sad that in this digital world, many people think their worth is based on how many likes they get or how many times their social media post is viewed. Their worth shouldn’t be based in that.
Our worth is based on God’s eyes. We are capable of more than we ever dreamed. We are more than we can ever conceive. Only God knows us and only God can see us as the perfect creations that He made. All my life I wanted my mother to see me, but I think maybe what I really want is just to see myself as God sees me. I want to know the love that God feels for me when He sees me. My mom loved me as best she could and that’s okay because even if she didn’t love me, God does. My mom never really saw me, but God does. I don’t have to feel like anything is missing. God will fill my heart with all I need if I just have faith.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
