I would like to believe that there’s a reason for everything that has happened in my life and that God has a plan for me. However, right now, I am struggling because when God asks me to be a forgiving, patient, and loving person when I am tired, upset, and confused I find it very difficult to do as He commands much less find meaning in my life and faith in His plan. I keep hoping that I am going to have this awesome moment of clarity and it is going to lift this heavy feeling from my heart, but I just don’t know if it will come. Maybe in the grieving process, it isn’t just one moment, but there have to be many moments that slowly lift the heart up again as it heals.
The last few days have reminded me so much of the past that I tried to put behind me. Some of those memories are good and a lot of are bad. I find myself remembering a time when my family was everything to me and what an amazing feeling that was. And with my mother’s passing, it feels like opening an old wound for the last time. Because I know that time and that family is gone forever. That knowledge and loss weighs heavy on my heart, and I really didn’t expect that it would, but it is just that I know with certainty what I believed was gone is gone without a doubt and I’ll never get it back ever. It hurts.
I also realize that for the longest time I felt very powerless in my own life almost like I wasn’t a person at all. I didn’t matter to the people I was around, and it really changed how I saw myself. That experience, while absolutely horrible, was a great learning experience for me and I guess could be part of God’s plan. I learned that I am not what other’s say I am. I am not what the world says I am. I am what I believe. I am what God made me to be. I can be as strong and as faithful as I want to be because God says I can. So, yes, it is difficult to do as He commands, but I know as long as He is by my side, I can do anything. Right now my heart weighs heavy, but with every fiber of my being I know God can and will lift it up again. I have faith in that.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
