For the longest time, I was gaslighted. The people I trusted the most lied to me, controlled me, imprisoned me, manipulated me, and scared me. To this day, my body still suffers from the physical effects of PTSD because of the trauma that I went through. And yet, I don’t feel like a victim because I am not less than what I could have been if these things had never happened to me. I also don’t consider myself a survivor either. Instead, I am exactly who I am meant to be. Just me.
When I look back on previous trauma, if I see myself as either a victim or a survivor, then essentially, I am saying that these traumas were inflicted upon me. Someone or something harmed me and now I have to heal from it. Does it have to be that way?
The way I see it, especially with the death of my mother is that the people in my life were flawed just the way I am flawed. No one is perfect. They made mistakes, just like I make mistakes. They hurt me and even though I don’t mean to do it, I’m sure in my lifetime I have hurt others and will hurt others. What they did is horrible, but can’t I forgive them for being human just like I am human myself? Can’t I understand that in their pain and self-doubt they made some horrible mistakes? I know I have made some horrible hurtful mistakes myself.
In the end, I think it all comes down to the fact that I can’t control anything but my own behavior. Whatever happens in my life, I can either choose to let it control me or I can choose to learn from it. God commands that I hold Him above all others. My choice is to never let the events of my life have power over me. Only God has power over me. My choice is to learn from whatever experiences I have. No. I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am just me.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
