The last few days I have been contemplating all the hurt and pain from the relationship with my mother. I have been realizing that there’s no resolution and no miracle happy ending. She’s never going to understand how much I really love her and she’s never going to be capable of understanding or being sorry for how much she damaged me. There’s a finality in it that is difficult to take.
I can’t help but wonder if I have been going through the stages of grief. At first, it was difficult to believe it was finally over. Then these last few days, I have had all these crazy emotions about her and our relationship.
I think the hardest part is having my own truth about her. I think because she didn’t see me as another person, she showed me more of her true self than she did with anyone else. She wasn’t an evil person; she wasn’t even a bad person. She was a very disturbed person who really hated herself and the only way she knew to make herself feel better was to control and manipulate other people. She found that she could feel better about herself when she made other people feel bad. She didn’t know any better and after a while she was so broken, she wasn’t capable of anything else.
She tried to keep me in an emotional and mental prison, but I escaped her. And yet, I guess the reason why I am able to forgive is because I understand that whatever evil we do upon others will be done unto us. She found herself in life circumstances that she couldn’t break free from because she believed she couldn’t change. She continued to smoke, even when it was killing her. She continued to have bad eating habits, even when it caused her to have horrible pain in her legs and even have a toe amputated. She spent the last year of her life as a prisoner in a bed unable to get out because she did not have the will to force herself to face the pain to stand up again. She created her own prison on earth.
And yes, she damaged me and hurt me, but the experience made me the person I am. I am strong in character and in faith and part of that is due to the fact that my family put me through hell. I know that when I look into the abyss, God stands with me. I know when I am lost, I will never be alone. And I know that when the weight of the world crushes me, God will pick me up and carry me to the next second, minute, hour, or day and life will go on.
These last few days, I think I have forgotten one of the most important lessons in life: Whatever has happened is all in God’s plan. I am who I am and I am perfectly created. My life is my life and it is going exactly according to God’s plan. I am thankful for every little stupid second of my insignificant life.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
