I’m having some medical issues that are making me cranky and upset. That isn’t unusual for me, but these issues for some reason are making me think about my mom and my family. There are two things that are really getting to me. All my life my mother held this idea over my head that when she died, I was supposed to see that her wishes were fulfilled for her funeral. I was supposed to share all her assets with my brother and keep in touch with him. And I would do all of these things because of love of family. Here I am at that time in my life and I don’t care. I’ll make sure her wishes are fulfilled and I’ll go to the services, but I really don’t care if I go or not. I said goodbye a long time ago. As far as splitting all her possessions, there’s not much to split and I don’t really want anything from her. She never understood that.
And that is the second thing. I’ve known for years there never was any hope. She’d never understand that what I really wanted wasn’t money or possessions, I just wanted her to treat me like a full individual. I wanted her to accept me as I am separate from her. I knew she could never do that, and she wasn’t capable of it. I forgave her for that. I understood that she tried to love me the best that she could. The thing is that today I realized that as long as she was alive, even though I knew there’s wasn’t hope, a miracle could happen, she could change somehow. But now that she’s gone, what I knew to be true, won’t ever change.
I may be totally free now, but I sort of feel like I just didn’t do enough. Isn’t it ironic? That someone who accused me of not loving them enough is the same person that I now feel sorrow because I just couldn’t love them enough? No one could. And I realize that I have no control over her behavior or her fate, but I am sitting here thinking about her last days. And I realize that my poor mother never allowed herself to be loved. She died so very alone thinking and feeling that she never found love from anyone and never feeling or seeing the love that was all around her. It’s a terrible burden to be the only person to understand that and it is even more horrible to realize that I can’t share this knowledge with most of my family. I don’t want them to be hurt by it and I don’t think they would believe it anyway.
The only thing I can think to do is pray: Dear Lord, please have mercy on my mother’s soul. You taught me to love and forgive others and I ask you now to love my mother and forgive her for all she did and all she failed to do. Please help her to open her spirit to all the love that is around her now so that she may finally rest in peace knowing that she is a beautiful soul all on her own and that she is loved by so many just as she is.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
