My mother passed away on Wednesday morning. I felt like I grieved for her a long time ago when I let go of my entire family knowing that they never were who I thought they were. Yet I have to admit that even after that, I still felt something with my family. I still wanted to be there, and I ended up getting hurt over and over again. It wasn’t until recently that I truly found my real freedom.
I thought when she died, I wouldn’t feel upset because I didn’t feel anything anymore. I still feel like I want to feel something, or I should feel something. Then today, I started to think about how I’m never going to have to be forced to do anything by this woman. She isn’t going to try to control me anymore. If I don’t do what she likes, I don’t have to hear her complain or put me down. I don’t ever have to hear her acting like I am not a real individual separate from her. Instead of feeling upset and sad, I feel relieved. I am finally free. It’s over.
For the longest time, even though I didn’t want it, she connected herself to me. I tried so much to understand, respect, forgive, and most importantly, love her. There wasn’t anyway for me to reach her even though I tried my best. I’m not just relieved because I’m free. I am relieved because she’s finally free. Regardless of what she did or didn’t do in life, all the pain and being worried and whatever else she used to complain about is over. She can finally leave me alone and rest in peace. What more could a mother ask for?
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
