My mother passed away this morning. I also have a migraine today. I hurt my back yesterday. I am prepping for a colonoscopy. There was this day back in my past that I remember like it was yesterday. I felt like my world was ending. I remember very little from that day because it felt so traumatic, but the one thing I do remember is sitting in a study room with a friend. I told him about what happened, and I cried like a little girl. I felt like my entire body felt heavy. Just the very idea of moving seemed like it took so much effort. I just wanted to forget about living because it felt like everything was gone. It sounds completely and terribly dramatic, but it wasn’t.
That was the day I found out that everything was a lie and an illusion. I understood that all this talk about family and love was just talk and when I really needed my family they weren’t going to be there because they didn’t even see me as a person. They just weren’t capable. That day I felt so alone and abandoned, and I really didn’t know if I would be able to survive it. I spent so many months just crying like a crazy person because I was grieving my family.
Now today, people are giving me condolences, but they just don’t understand that my mom’s been gone a long time. She used to tell me that I would miss different things about her and I did, but I missed them about her while she was still alive. I couldn’t call her and talk to her and ask her to just be my mom. I miss that time when I was younger and felt like she meant so much to me, but once an illusion is shattered, I don’t think you can go back. And I guess she never really was the mom I thought I had anyway.
I guess I can find peace knowing that somehow she is now a part of everything once again and maybe whatever peace she never found in life she might find in death. So, tonight I pray for God to be with her and accept her once again into wherever we go. I hope she will finally find peace and know God.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
