I had a difficult day today. I got a migraine with chills that came upon me very quickly. The chills were so bad that I got to where I could not think clearly. Everything started to go wrong. I finally got to the point where I could lie in bed. I found myself feeling angry. I wanted to get up and hit something hard because things weren’t going the way I wanted them to go. As I closed my eyes in bed, I kept thinking about what God would say.
I knew God would be alright with my being angry, but not acting on my anger. Throwing things and yelling could be possible outcomes. If I lose my temper, I could do that and it’s okay if I do, but if I can, I should recognize my anger and feel it. I did that today. It felt uncomfortable and horrible. It felt like an electric worm going through my chest up into my brain infusing my body with an energy that I wanted to get rid of in the most violent way possible. It felt painful. I realized that hurting myself, others, or inanimate objects would only be a way to distract myself from the pain I was feeling. Instead, I choose to pay attention.
The world wasn’t as I expected. My body wasn’t cooperating, and I didn’t like it. So, I prayed for God to help me. I prayed for strength to get through the headache and I prayed for patience to get through the period I was in. I just kept thinking about how nothing stays the same and how my feelings wouldn’t be the same forever. Slowly, after time, it got better.
I don’t like admitting it because this path is extremely difficult, but choosing to felt the pain does work. Trusting in God and the constancy of change is scary, but it does help.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
