I have reached one of those really difficult periods in my life. Everything feels annoying and unbearable. I feel like crying because of everything and I don’t really know why. A fly flying around my computer made me want to scream and throw things. One of the worse parts for me is not understanding why. There are a few possibilities.
First, my brother in-law passed away less than a week ago. Although we weren’t extremely close. He was very important to me. Of all my in-laws, I felt he tried to accept me unconditionally with love because I loved his brother and that’s all that mattered to him. He could never be disappointed in me as long as I was my genuine self. That’s something amazing and special to find in someone else. That’s one of the many reasons I loved him so much.
Second, over the past few weeks, my husband and I have been traveling quite a bit. That wouldn’t bother most people, but for me it takes my stress level to new heights. With OCD, I love routine because when things are the same I know that the sense of “wrongness” is just OCD and I can ignore it and even just dismiss it. However, when the routine is changed, then that sense of “wrongness” just goes out of control. I worry about everything. It feels like the entire world is out of control and nothing is going right. I don’t know how I am ever going to get myself back to a normal feeling the way things are going. I just feel so overwhelmed with all the out of ordinary events that have happened and all the ones that are coming up. I want to believe that I am strong enough to handle it all, but I really don’t know.
Finally, the weather has been strange and I haven’t really had a bad headache in weeks, so it could just be that I am having a headache episode. All the I am feeling is my brain reacting to pain and I just don’t realize it.
It makes me think of something I read earlier this week about an Indian god who ruled over the real and unreal. I realized that if God transcends the dualities, then He also transcends the real and unreal, but then how does that work? Well, today it makes sense. There’s all these feelings and thoughts going back and forth in my head like pinballs, and I don’t even know which ones are real and which are illusions. I don’t know if it is just pain from a migraine. The point is that it really doesn’t matter because whether it is real or imagined God knows what it is. Whatever darkness I am lost in right now, He is there with me, and He can lead me out of it.
I have to believe that whatever I go through, real or unreal, I am not alone. I think that’s the most important part of my journey.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
