Last night my husband and I went to a grocery store. As we were driving back, I found myself contemplating a different time in my life that occurred almost thirty years ago. My husband and I were at a stop light in front of an expressway, and I realized that just about that same time of day, I would have been driving down that very expressway. If God can see me at all times of my life, then could he see me sitting in the car at the stoplight and somehow driving on the expressway at the same time?
It really blows my mind. My younger self would have no idea of the older woman at the stop light, but this older woman could conceive of that younger woman. I can relive that day over and over again in my memory. I have relived it several times because it was a turning point in my life.
That day my parents and I were supposed to go to a wedding, but I had a clash with my parents. My father decided not to go. My mother and I went, but the entire time I felt worthless as if my life had fallen apart. Seeing two of my friends getting married, I thought maybe I should just stop trying to live my life authentically. Maybe I should just find the next guy who wanted to marry me, shut up with all my hopes and dreams, and do exactly what my mom says I should do and get on with life the way she does. For a few minutes, I almost did. I really wanted to take the easy path, but I knew I would be miserable. I had promised God that I would do anything and everything to get better and I knew if I did this, I would be breaking my promise. So, instead I kept trying even when I felt lost.
Here I am today. I have found the love of my life and so much more. So maybe that younger self couldn’t see this older woman, but I think maybe she did have faith in the possibility. Otherwise, she would have chosen the different path that day.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
