I went to see an eye doctor. I thought I was the first appointment of the day and I showed up early, but they saw someone who showed up later than me. With my paranoia, I started to think all kinds of thoughts. Mostly I thought that they were going to make me wait a long time and keep me in the waiting room for hours. I thought about when I was a child and my mother told me that the nurses watched people in the waiting room. She lied and told me they decided who would be seen next by which patients were behaving the best. I decided today to change the script in my head.
I got up and talked to someone. I explained my paranoia and how it caused me anxiety. She explained to me what had happened. The person had an earlier appointment. Although it wasn’t the best explanation in the world, it helped. I think the best part wasn’t that I got an explanation or that the eye tech didn’t look at me like I was a lunatic, but that I accepted myself and who I am. It’s okay that I have these paranoid thoughts and that they make me anxious. There’s no reason for me to sit and fester in them. If I am feeling anxiety, I should be able to say so. It’s scary because I don’t know how the rest of the world will accept me, but today was a breakthrough for me. It was a tiny step in the right direction. I didn’t care how the rest of the world would accept me, I just accepted myself. I believe that’s what God does when He loves me as I am.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
