I kept thinking last night about my thought experiment from yesterday. Just like everything else, it’s one thing to do something because God commands it, but it’s amazing when I find myself being able to do something that God commands because I feel like I’m capable of doing it.
God commands that I hold Him above all others in my heart. Although I struggle with this one, I have known God all my life and I can’t imagine a world without God. He also commands that I love others as I would myself. This one command is much more complex and difficult, but I am trying every day to get better. I try to love myself and to love others. The most miraculous days happen when I find this lightness in my heart and I realize that I really do love myself and my brother’s and sisters in Christ, not just because God commands me to do so, but because through the power of His love, I have found love within my heart.
I also know that with God by my side I shouldn’t be afraid and yet I have anxiety disorder. That’s a struggle. However, last night I realized something special. My spirit has died millions of times and yet I am still here. I’m somehow alive. I don’t know how, but somehow there’s going to be a part of me that will go on after I die, it’s the same part of me that existed before I was born and the same part of me that has existed all my life even though everything about me my body, my mind, and my consciousness have all changed and will continue to change. I know that the part of me that is eternal God knows better than I know myself. And I truly have nothing to fear from death because it really is all in His plan. I may not ever understand, but I think I might know enough to know that I’ll never know enough. I’ll think I understand that life is a paradox and to accept it and surrender to it is part of faith.
May faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
