I think I am afraid of something really crazy. My mom has been lying in bed for over a year now. She won’t move or get up. Part of it is her age, but part of it is her decisions. She decided a long time ago that she couldn’t walk and that she couldn’t do anything about it like get knee replacement surgery. So, now she is lying in bed, in pain, and she is just waiting to die. I can’t imagine living that way.
One of the things that I hate about my mom is she has spent her life trying to control and manipulate other people, but she has never taken the responsibility to control her own life and that is truly the only thing she ever really could control. I don’t want to be like that. I’m so scared of ending up in that hell.
I understand that I can’t control the world around me. I understand that at any moment evil could find me and take away everything I have. I know that would be difficult, but I also know that God will give me the strength to endure if that should happen. I don’t want to become a person stuck within myself believing that I can’t do anything and that I have no power to change myself or grow simply because I don’t believe anymore or because I am too tired. I don’t ever want to feel like I did before I made that promise to God when I was in my twenties. Before that day, I didn’t think my life was worth anything, I thought that I made other people around me miserable, and I hoped that God would just let me die soon. I didn’t have faith in His plan for me even thought I had faith in God. Then, that day came and I promise God that I would do anything and everything to get better as long as He was at my side. And I guess I really didn’t understand it then, like I do today, but that day, inside my heart, my faith in His plan for me was born. I know that there’s nothing that I can’t endure because He is with me.
It’s strange, even though I get scared about all kinds of things, my underlying thought now is always that somehow everything is going to be okay because God with you. I find it very difficult to rest because I feel like I don’t want to be like my mom. I don’t want to be in bed being inert. I want to be moving and feeling and experiencing life. Right now, I am sick from Covid and probably a secondary infection. The doctors want me to rest. My crazy fear is lying in bed being like mom. So difficult to just rest and heal. I know I should be thinking of lying in His arms and I try, but sometimes it can be a struggle.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
