I haven’t been feeling well for a week because of Covid. I woke up today hoping that it would be over and instead today felt almost as bad as the first day. One of my fears about the virus is that I wouldn’t deal with it well. My body doesn’t handle stress well because of PTSD. Whenever something physically happens to me, it isn’t ever simple or normal.
I’ve developed a weird acceptance about it all. I’m just not normal. When I talk to doctors and they tell me everything should be normal, I often tell them as a matter of fact that if there is a rare, but serious side effect then it will probably happen to me. It isn’t a self-fulling prophecy as much as it is just knowing my history. I have every painful, uncomfortable condition that it difficult to diagnose and yet there’s no definitive way to prove I have the condition, there’s no treatment, and there’s no lasting harm to my body. In other words, I am in pain and that’s about it.
Most people would hate it because we are all taught that pain is bad and that we should avoid it. I have come to learn something different. Pain in and of itself is neither good or bad. It just is. My pain is what I decide to make of it. I have learned that it is trying to tell me something. Mainly, I am being told that my nervous system is overwrought from being abused and having OCD. The only cure for that is faith. There’s no drug, treatment plan, or doctor that is going to heal my shell-shocked brain. I’m not going to get better with therapy and drugs magically fixing years of living like a prisoner constantly on guard.
Yet, by understanding God’s grace, His commandments, His forgiveness, and His love, I can find hope. I know that somehow inside my heart there’s a light that is stronger than all the animalistic tendencies and chemical reactions inside my brain. If I just let go and give my life to God and surrender to Him, then it will all work out somehow. I have faith in that. So, even if Covid decides it isn’t done with me, I know that God is by my side, and He is stronger than any virus in the world.
My faith saved me. May God’s peace reside in all of our hearts.
